Sometimes life can bring you pain because of those you love, and in unexpected ways, but there's no better way to live than with an open heart and compassion.
I've lost two friends this year, but purely in the sense that we're no longer in contact.
The first just moved to Kingston to be closer to their parents, and he and I had gotten close, after an initial instant connection.
The other is a friend from years ago, with whom I reconciled last summer under an August full moon, by the post-midnight river. If that sounds fanciful or farcical, it's because it's a real moment, and my own, or maybe our own, at the time. We talked about grievances and transgressions from over 16 years ago, and made amends. Because of the death of a mutual friend last year, we renewed our acquaintance. But I would be fooling myself if I said that embracing them at our friend's funeral didn't refire our long-dormant feelings of mutual attraction. I won't go into detail, but I will say that we're not in touch anymore because we know where it could lead. Admittedly, I also wouldn't leave unopened any missives from them, or comments from them, or a blog link, if sent. I'd owe them that much.
But it's hard to move on, with the living death of parted friendships and companionship. I'm trying my best to work through it, as though through a fog, toward some sort of clarity.
Happy to see this post has reappeared.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Always good to hear back an attentive reader. I guess, if you are lucky enough, you can encounter someone, whom you have known for a spell, that you can consider a temptress, but also once more than a friend, in your life. It is a memory that stays with you. But I digress.
DeleteIt can be very tough saying goodbye when you have that kind of history (that can come back to you at the oddest times). As a postscript to this post, I will add that I have written about this renewed correspondence on another blog, Not Long After Midnight, in an effort to work out my feelings. Since then (and likely unrelated), this person (siren?) has since said goodbye again, which she thinks is for the best (and I think she is probably right as she seems much wiser than me about our renewed contact). I do not think either of us needs to be thinking of the other at inopportune times, however tempting. Still, it is tough to say farewell, and I wish her all the happiness she deserves.
Thank you for pointing me towards your other blog and your moving post from last June, of which I wasn't previously aware.
DeleteSaying goodbye probably won't completely prevent inopportune thoughts, but it sounds like it may be the right thing to do.